I walked away from her because she was too busy finding faults in me while I was too busy overlooking hers. Constant negativity, blogging, arguing. I remember the day I met her in South Fork. I was running late, I’m on my own time really, like snow I come and go. I picked up a hitchhiker because I’ve got the view that my heart is as big as a man-made reservoir in the desert, over-fished and filled with swimming teenagers. I remember when I was a gangly teenager busy worshipping and preaching on the pulpit singing the promises of eternal life. I still feel those steel beams that framed out my tall body and supported how I would treat women for years to come.
She got out of the car right away and didn’t make eye contact but started to pet the hitchhikers dog right away. Dogs seemed to like her but I can’t help but want to pour out the words “dogs are ignorant, that’s how you fool them” and now I know she fooled me. I had read part of her blog and she had mentioned she has a past with addictions. I was fascinated having just ended my 10 plus year relationship with a nice southern girl who sometimes drank too much, embarrassed me at parties “I’m just being myself” she would say but I was very focused on her behaviors that affected my image. That self she created started to unravel as we saw other people and I made my theories of polyamory. We reserved the right to love many people at once, to have so many princes and princesses to give all the love we had.
That love unraveling, this new girl finally looked up at me with big soft brown eyes but they just reminded me of my southern girl. They both had the same personality type but I seemed to like this INFJ better than my ENFJ. She was rare. A new addition to my life of collected people, collected ideas, pieces of a puzzle of understanding put together in a way only I can see. She stepped over to her trunk and grabbed some beers. I felt a little shiver of surprise as I unpack my own thoughts on addiction. Why can’t you just stop? Why can’t you just work harder? I’ve always known myself to get what I want, to quit what I can. A tinge of frustration crosses my furrowed brow when I think about the addiction of my ex-wife. Cut off like flask of brown cheap whiskey from the hands of an old, trembling cowboy. I still needed her to steady myself.
And here was this woman–she talked so fast and quiet I felt myself nodding and smiling half the time to carry on the conversation. She had so much to say. We drove up to a campsite and the hosts bumbled up on a golf cart and I kicked in the charm and grabbed on to the sweater string of my southern accent, unraveling a story about not knowing there was a fee in this area, and then asking questions about the weather, whatever cordial human conventions I have learned and studied over the years. And she hopped right in, grabbing the threads of manipulation right along with me turning the thin cords into reigns of a chariot of lies with horses I would hear clomping into my life so many more times. I was glad to have someone to hike with, glad for the distraction, I had no real intentions of real or genuine love. I was already courting another woman in Texas. I was carrying on with polyamory. She fascinated me initially–a bit negative a bit intense but those wild, wild, horses didn’t scare me. I would tame her.
She always harped on me for calling her a bitch. I am soft-spoken, gentle, supportive. I love the language of feelings and I openly share my insecurities, my fears, my emotional injuries. My words are sprinkled with my thoughts of developing closeness, working out our issues and facing up to hard things about myself. But, I don’t need therapy. I’m not weak like that. I don’t want to pay money–I’ve learned a lot in my life and I’m certain I know more than any shrink. I feel like she made it her business to hurt my feelings constantly like a summer hail storm that just won’t stop, tearing the flaps of the tent of my heart beating down on the poles of my existence. She was forever saying unfair and insensitive remarks. Like how I stayed in my marriage because of Christianity or that my friends were ski-bums. I love my friends and I love my ex wife. They do what I need them to do. She, she treated me with profound cruelty blaming me as if I was some kind of abuser. You just can’t control me–that’s the thing.
She sometimes gave sincere apologies and would accept responsibility for being anxious. Mentally ill. Negative. Explosive. Always yelling. I’ve learned her language though, that pop-psychology and I knew what she needed to let go. Why can women call us assholes but I can’t call her a retarded bitch? She really was, sometimes. Seemed to lose her mind when I was just trying to help her understand. I would tell her how the world works as she cooked, as she showered. I just know about the world a little more. I’ve gone through so much, I’ve achieved so many goals. I grew her burden of guilt because so many things really were her fault. She picked me apart showing me my rough edges that I kept rough on purpose. I can threaten and intimidate to save my view of the world. There are facts, there is science and I will not exist in the grey thunderstorm of her theories. I found the trailhead of her self-destruction and went up, up not looking down at the swatch of destruction I left behind or her wounded at the bottom of the hill.
I’m against the macho men, so I couldn’t be abusive. As long as I use a lot of psychobabble, no one is going to believe that I am mistreating her. As long as I post memes about my innocence and find other mentally ill women to mentally and sexually validate me–I’m not in the wrong. She said its not a good idea to dismantle the defense mechanisms of a client if they are working. Well, hers weren’t working, nothing about her really worked. I pointed that out. I can control her by analyzing how her mind and emotions work, and what her issues are from childhood. I don’t know much about her dad but I imagine her dead daddy issues kept her leaving with her push-pull like a carnival ride blasting classic rock and smelling of corn dogs and smokes. I can get inside her head whether she wants me there or not. Its important to be inside her head to dissect her irrational thoughts. I am a critical thinker. She just believes in horoscopes and energy. Nothing in the world is more important than my feelings. She should be grateful to me for not being like those other men.
I am not like those other men. I’ve done so many amazing things. How can you limit it to one: Climbing the active Arenal volcano in La Fortuna Costa Rica. Snorkeling the blue hole in Belize on a multi day dive boat trip. Mountain biking the Leadville Mountain Biking Marathon in 10 hours and 13 minutes. Skiing 65mph and hucking big fast jumps at Wolf Creek Ski Area on my first season learning. Inflatable kayaking the exploratory run of the Weminuche Creek with less than 5 days on a ducky ever. Rowing a 14′ Custom Cataraft down the Class IV Piedra river, upper and lower box, with less than 5 days of rowing experience. Don’t you see how special I am? I’m an outdoor geek. I love boating, biking, camping, traveling, and techy stuff. I like tweaking stuff to be better than intended. Just like I tried to tweak her. I was just trying to make her better–she was not yet my equal. When store-bought stuff often doesn’t fit me or my needs I love the challenge and reward of tackling and overcoming these issues by building my own custom solutions. I love pushing my equipment and my body toward their limits and analyzing the results later, usually over a beer and a bowl.
She wouldn’t let me push her to be a better version of herself. I’m self-taught. I can see through her six years of college. I know more than her with just my associates in Welding/Fabrication at community college. I don’t need professors or boards to tell me how very brilliant I really am. I can see through her counseling license. I’m just smarter. Just better. Her soft voice–just manipulation. And so as she penned another letter to me about how much I had changed her life–I scoffed. Words mean nothing and actions are everything and watching her shaking and wide eyed just made me laugh. Negative bitch. Creating her own drama exploding everywhere like a bloated bird eating any morsel of rice that validated her crazy behaviors. I knocked on her door for twenty minutes because I am a caring man. I went to her job to get her fired because I really care about the kids of Pagosa. She should have apologized to all my friends for pointing out alcoholism, dangerous behaviors, mental illness, domestic violence charges, child developmental delays. She needs to look at herself. I never was, and I never will be, the problem.
“Immodest creature, you do not want a woman who will accept your faults, you want the one who pretends you are faultless – one who will caress the hand that strikes her and kiss the lips that lie to her.”
― George Sand, The Intimate Journal