creating mindful balance

My body hurts.  I close my eyes to picture each part of the physical body, the shell, and put each hand on each hip aware of how the skin and flesh lays like a puddle over the vinyl covered chair.  My heart a hard mass of muscle getting tighter and tighter squeezing like a dying star and thoughts become like the leaves outside, scratching and falling apart hitting the sides of my skull.  I’m aware of the curve in my spine and the hunch in my shoulders and let that go while tears fall out of my eyes like sap from my leaf filled head.  I let myself feel the pain in my hips, the heat, the strain, sap-tears fall freely.  My heart pulls at veins in my throat that constrict and tighten and my breath becomes loud wind filling the vinyl chair and the room smelling of an autumn candle.  I let myself feel.  All in my scarred, imperfect body.  And then I create, I move, I become separate from this experience and get bigger and bigger— as big as the universe.  My heart petals red unfolding a blooming rose and there is more space in my heart and the leaves in my head slow down and settle where they lay bricks to a path of peace.  My hips become beautiful dark puddles and skin unfolds where I see the same bone and muscle that we all have—I let go of agonizing about my weight because I am divine, I am gorgeous, I am you and you are me, I am all the beauty and none of the beauty in the world at the same time.  All of this sets me free watching the world around me change, and I change, these things take time.  Acceptance takes time just as sunflowers last into fall and piles of snow on rocks stay year round growing glorious pink bacteria and when time is no longer a measurement and when my body and my weight are no longer quantified and my creation is limitless and timeless my heart and hips will know no pain because I will be free, I will be anything, everything, and nothing at the same time.

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This entry was posted in Body Image, depression, Existentialism, Expansion, Health Issues, Mental Health, Mindfulness, mountains, Self Growth, Self Love, Wyoming and tagged , , . Bookmark the permalink.

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